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By clock (Tue Jan 09, 2007 at 10:36:12 AM EST) (all tags)
work is busy.  home is busy.  life is happening.  but why am i not writing?

fear.

i'm still holding my breath.  and i will be for quite a while.  i've started taking comfort in my daily rituals:  work;  pick up my beloved from her office;  get home safely;  let her sleep;  work in my studio;  make dinner and lunches;  wake her;  eat;  walk the dog;  work in the studio;  wake her;  shower;  bed.

it doesn't sound like much fun, but it helps me stay calm.  she looks tired.  she's always on the verge of nausea.  she can't function very well and what energy she has is spent at work.  this weekend, she slept almost constantly.  a walk around the block was almost too much.  i sat and played video games while she napped on the couch.  she seemed to enjoy the plotless blinking lights and my near constant swearing.

she's not herself.  and she knows it.  and while it's "well within tolerances" it's not ok.  does that make sense?

creatively, my life is good.  as i posted in the hole (my first shameless plug), my album hit itunes.  i'm pretty excited about that.  it's more of a personal goal thing than anything else.  i don't expect to sell 1000 copies or whatever.  i finished it and that's what counts.  and the stuff i've been recording lately doesn't suck too much.  i might have another collection done before i know it.  i think i have three tracks down, including my banjo debut.  look out bela fleck!  or frank proffit!  or...um...that toothless guy that used to play on the loading dock at that one place i used to walk by!

i'm reading about six books right now.  so i should be done with them in a month.  we just got the omnivore's dillemma and 1491 based on husi reviews.  i'm leaving those alone until i finish confessions of a barbarian (edward abbey's journals), ulysses and the collection of roger sessions personal correspondence (yay quarter price books!) which are scattered about my sitting places.  anybody know of any non-insulting books for impending fathers?  the ones i have perused are just awful.  i'm reading other stuff as well, but the titles are eluding me.  i plan to keep a list this year.  oh, and thanks to CRwM i have a pile in the "i really need to get those" list.  fucker.

spending a lot of time on my linux box these days.  i'm back to a 100% linux recording experience and i have to say, i missed it.  i made a lot of excuses for the shortcomings on my powerbook.  garageband was neat for quick sketches, but it lacks a lot of features that ardour/muse/hydrogen/zynaddsubfx bring.  i never really got freqtweak to run on os x.  and my usb sound brick sucks ass compared to the 8/8 goodness of my rme hammerfall card (not a failing of os x...more about me not wanting to drop the ca$h).  for some reason, i'm using KDE for the moment.  i think debian hosed up a gnome package and i didn't want to fuck with it.  i'll be going back to xfce directly, methinks.  i'm a whore when it comes to desktop environments and i like to change it up, but so far KDE doesn't bring the love.  before long, i'll get sick of it all and go back to mommy (fluxbox).

rituals.

to review:  i love my wife.  i'm a happy man and a better person because of her.  i'm more true to myself now than ever before.  and things are really, really good.

and i'm scared.

< Kuro5hin Is Dying | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >

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on a measured life | 19 comments (19 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Good news! by ucblockhead (4.00 / 3) #1 Tue Jan 09, 2007 at 11:28:53 AM EST
This is great practice for later this year, when you'll spend every waking moment1 worrying about every little burp the baby makes!

1 Approximately 22 hours per day.
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ウセーバラケダ


And then by Phage (4.00 / 2) #4 Tue Jan 09, 2007 at 11:42:19 AM EST
You'll sneak into their room when they're fast asleep in the other 2 hours, just to make sure that they are still breathing.

The Czar of Accounting. No Nit Too Small To Pick
[ Parent ]

i remember... by clock (2.00 / 0) #6 Tue Jan 09, 2007 at 11:52:10 AM EST
...living on 4 hours of sleep a day.

i was a lot younger then.  thanks for the encouragement!  ;-)


Clock is right. [nt] --vorheesleatherface

[ Parent ]

It gets better, and it doesn't by notafurry (4.00 / 2) #2 Tue Jan 09, 2007 at 11:29:21 AM EST
Your wife will feel better. Part of it - a lot of it - is adjustment to her body's new priorities, part of it is controllable with diet; lots of protein, lots of dairy and carbs and fat. In a few weeks, she'll probably be almost back to normal, and in a few months, she'll be glowing and cheerful. And it's not all that long before the baby will start reacting to his or her environment; music, voices, foods will trigger reactions, and her delight in feeling those is an amazing thing to watch as her husband.

The fear... I'd like to say it goes away. But the instant you first see that little boy or girl, within seconds of being born if you choose one of the more natural methods... Your life is no longer yours. You have a job to do, and it's going to take 18 years to life to complete it, and there's a lot of fear involved. There's more joy, and wonder, and yeah, frustration too.

This part's stressful, perhaps more for you and Stacky than for the average parents. But it doesn't last forever, it probably doesn't last for even close to the eternity it currently feels like, and soon there's all sorts of wonderful fun parts to share and enjoy.



yeah... by clock (2.00 / 0) #8 Tue Jan 09, 2007 at 11:54:36 AM EST
...it's good to hear that this is all normal.  but it's unfamiliar territory for both of us.  i'm excited to get to the fun stuff.  even the hard work will be something.  but this?  this is scary and crappy.  i'm not a fan thus far.

so i'll keep whistling in the dark until she wakes up.


Clock is right. [nt] --vorheesleatherface

[ Parent ]

life is good. by ana (4.00 / 1) #3 Tue Jan 09, 2007 at 11:37:29 AM EST
and it'll get better, eventually.

i'd be interested in a more detailed synopsis of the stuff you use for music recording and processing. the ibook is nice in that it's essentially silent (except when it's not, which is rarely); my linux box has a noisy fan on it. Last time I tried doing something fancy (like 8 or 10 vocal tracks) the project got too big for garageband on the iBook, so I moved it to the desktop iMac. If you listen closely (was it mfc7?), there's the sound of a cupboard opening in the background, since the machine at the time was in the next room over from the kitchen.

Besides all that I wanna play with just intonation.

Anyway, know that we're all pulling for you, in whatever way we each individually do that. Congrats on the iTunes thing, and I, for one, am looking forward to the next offering.

Regular, or decaf abomination? --Kellnerin


tomorrow... by clock (2.00 / 0) #5 Tue Jan 09, 2007 at 11:43:03 AM EST
...i will give you a full run-down of what i use in my home studio.  the stuff has come a long way for the pro-user, but for people who want a desktop to ping when they have mail, it leaves a lot to be desired.  but there are lots of toys to play with and if you use agnula or one of the debian distros, you can get all of the stuff with a realtime tuned kernel with no effort.

new offerings:  think chamber music for bluegrass instruments.

it's nice to have a supportive place like this for the good and tough times.  the people here rock and i need to meet more.  stacky and i really need to get to bosstone sometime soon.  we've a lot of friends to meet there!


Clock is right. [nt] --vorheesleatherface

[ Parent ]

Books by jimgon (2.00 / 0) #7 Tue Jan 09, 2007 at 11:54:28 AM EST
The only one that interested me was "What to Expect When Expecting."  It's not geared to fathers, but it is geared to couples. 



we've got that... by clock (4.00 / 1) #9 Tue Jan 09, 2007 at 11:59:22 AM EST
...and it's pretty good thus far.  lots of good data.  but i guess i'm looking for something to "validate my feelings."

yeah, sounds a lil like oprah, but whatthefuckever!  sometimes i just want to be held!

um...yeah...

that is to say, i'd like a book that tells me it's ok that i want to destroy anyone or anything that upsets my partner.


Clock is right. [nt] --vorheesleatherface

[ Parent ]

I never found one by jimgon (4.00 / 1) #10 Tue Jan 09, 2007 at 12:04:07 PM EST
Though I think that would be a good one to have.  I think mainly they go into a lot of "I'm a soon-to-be dad and completely helpless."  The older generation that's running the country hasn't come to grips with the fact that people in the younger age groups hold a different culture about this stuff.

[ Parent ]

most of the ones... by clock (2.00 / 0) #11 Tue Jan 09, 2007 at 12:10:54 PM EST
...i have flipped through are insulting.  "vacuum the house without being asked"..."run some errands after work"..."learn a few simple recipes."

i mean, fuck that.  i cook (gourmet).  i clean.  i take care of laundry and all that shit.  i don't have a woman following me around and picking up after everything i do (though it might be nice...). so no, i'm not helpless.  yet the authors of such books assume these things and it pisses me off.

so i'm working on something...something stacky said clicked, so maybe i'll fill a niche.  we'll see.


Clock is right. [nt] --vorheesleatherface

[ Parent ]

Stereotypes by jimgon (4.00 / 2) #12 Tue Jan 09, 2007 at 01:49:44 PM EST
There's a rampant male stereotype that really pisses me off.  That men can't handle the household or family duties.  Personally I grew up in a motherless household.  My dad did it all.  It set a good precedent for me.  And it pisses me off when people trot out the stereotype in media.

[ Parent ]

amen by clock (4.00 / 2) #13 Tue Jan 09, 2007 at 02:02:22 PM EST
i was raised by a woman who would NOT have useless/helpless men.  if we wanted to eat, we learned to cook.  if we wanted clean clothes, we learned to do laundry.  we did our chores and kept house, etc.  mom always called us "independent males" and was proud of it.

so yeah, i'm with you.  it's annoying.


Clock is right. [nt] --vorheesleatherface

[ Parent ]

us too by LilFlightTest (4.00 / 3) #14 Tue Jan 09, 2007 at 06:22:12 PM EST
dad once took a cake to work, and when his coworkers said to thank his wife, he said "actually my son made this." the other guys went into a big thing about raising sissy boys and whatever, and dad commented "all my boys can cook...and my daughter can change your oil, rotate your tires, and put a new exhaust on your car." for some reason, that shut them up.
---------
Dance On, Gir!
[ Parent ]

Yeah by ucblockhead (4.00 / 1) #15 Tue Jan 09, 2007 at 09:21:12 PM EST
As a man, I found them insulting and patronizing...my wife assures me, though, that some other men need that advice.
----
ウセーバラケダ
[ Parent ]

What to expect... by ucblockhead (4.00 / 2) #16 Tue Jan 09, 2007 at 09:22:21 PM EST
Ok, not the expecting part, but this is a far more accurate representation of what it's like then all those damn "baby's first year" books.
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ウセーバラケダ
[ Parent ]

Just browsed it quickly by jimgon (4.00 / 1) #17 Wed Jan 10, 2007 at 08:19:49 AM EST
I read the first evening.  That's about right.  Any squemishness about the whole baby thing disappears before s/he is a few hours old. 

[ Parent ]

Your album is great. by muchagecko (4.00 / 1) #18 Wed Jan 10, 2007 at 08:13:34 PM EST
I've listened to it twice all the way through and it's on my iPod so it'll shuffle.

Thanks.

The only people to get even with are those that have helped you.


thank you! by clock (4.00 / 1) #19 Wed Jan 10, 2007 at 08:22:20 PM EST
it's really great to get all of the feedback (good and bad).  at the very least, people are listening.  and that just rocks!


Clock is right. [nt] --vorheesleatherface

[ Parent ]

on a measured life | 19 comments (19 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback

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